Self Care for the Holidays: Responding vs Reacting | ep88
“Babe, do you want me to buy a pedicure for you?”
He said this late at night while massaging my feet on the couch. Now, like most of you, my feet have not been TOUCHED by a professional since February.
These feet have spent an entire spring and summer in boots, runners, flip-flops, and sandals. And you can tell. They’re gnarly. I know this.
But when he asked this question, this loving, generous question… I didn’t hear the words he said. Instead, all I heard was: “You’re ugly.”
And there I was back in elementary school - the chubby, brown immigrant kid with the hair that couldn’t be “tamed”. The kid who wanted to be accepted but looked so different that she never felt like she belonged.
I was in my own asshole time machine, a machine that only takes me back to traumatic moments and painful memories.
We’ve all had this moment. The moment where a benign comment from a friend or loved one takes us back to a memory so painful that we can’t even hear the words they are saying. The moment where instead of responding with “Yes” or “No”, we react. We start to cry or yell. There’s a part of us that knows we are overreacting but the wounded part of us doesn’t care, she’s got shit to let out. In Buddhism, there’s a concept called the sacred pause. It’s the split second between a trigger and our response. That moment where we can choose whether we react or respond. So much can happen in a split second. Here is what happened in mine:
As I felt the rush of pain and sadness, I asked myself, “What is actually happening in this moment?”
And I remembered that I am safe and loved. I remembered that I have a partner who supports me. And I realized that I am so grateful for my beloved.
I responded: “Yeah! These feet are gnnnnnarly!”
All of that happened in the smallest moment of time.
I want to say that I am able to do this every time, to respond as my most grounded self. Nope. Some days I cry and I yell. And that is okay. Because that is what this practice of being a human is about.
So next time you are in your asshole time machine, love, ask yourself “What is actually happening here?”
See what shifts. See what comes up. Come back to the present, love.
A quote to take with you:
“What often happens when we are in a place of reactivity is we’re operating from a past wound. Whereas when we’re responding, we’re quite grounded and present. You’re conscious that this circumstance is triggering a past wound and you’re able to take action as your present self.”
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About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to trust your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.
+ Read the episode transcript here
[00:00:00] Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. If you're looking for more purpose, more passion, more joy in your life. When you have come to the right place, let's create your dream life while living your dream life. Okay. Love.
[00:00:21] Hi love. Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. This is where we take a deeper dive into my mindset Monday post, which you can read on Instagram at @wholeheartedcoaching, or you can get the full post. Plus my weekly journal prompts. When you sign up for my email list, you can do that in the show notes, or you can head to my website, wholehearted-coaching.com.
[00:00:46] So if you listened to the podcast last week, you'll know that for the month of November, for the remaining month of November, for three episodes, I'm focusing on how we can all thrive during the holiday season. I'm calling this at home within yourself for the holiday. You know, this can be a really wonderful time of year, but it can also be an incredibly overwhelming and stressful and triggering time of year.
[00:01:13] And so I wanted to dedicate three episodes on a ways on practices, on things that we can do so that we can thrive during this holiday season. So last week we talked about boundaries. And today, I want to talk about the difference between reacting and responding, reacting, or responding to a trigger, right?
[00:01:37] Maybe something that someone in your family says to you or something your partner does or something that happens at work. In this episode, we're going to look at how we can start to really respond. To these triggers to these circumstances in a way that feels grounded instead of reacting in a way that really feels on rooted.
[00:01:58] So today I'm going to be giving you my number one tools to help you respond as your most ground itself. Even in the most stressful of situations, we'll look at what's the difference between reacting and responding, and I'm going to be giving you some really great techniques to try it. But as I say this, I really want to underscore underline, emphasize that what we're talking about in these episodes is all a practice.
[00:02:26] You're not going to get this perfectly. You're not going to be able to do it all of the time, but really it's about just being open to what I'm going to be talking about today. And seeing if you can slowly start to apply some of the concepts in your life. I remember, this is not about perfection. Love.
[00:02:44] This is about practicing. So this week there isn't a mindset Monday, per se. If you go on Instagram, you'll just see a couple of slides, which are really about the differences between reacting and responding. But instead of a quotable mindset Monday, I want to share a story, a parable with you. This is the parable of the prickly porcupine.
[00:03:09] So it was an incredibly cold winter, so cold that a lot of animals in the forest were freezing to death. And the porcupines had this incredible idea to save themselves from the cold by huddling together, right. That their collective body heat would keep them warm. And it was an amazing idea because they were warm.
[00:03:30] However, they were of course, porcupine. And they kept picking each other, poking each other with their prickly porcupine selves. And they kept wounding and stabbing their companions. And while the warmth was wonderful, this mutual needling of each other was really uncomfortable. So they said, you know what?
[00:03:53] This is, this is ridiculous. We can't do this. Obviously we can't be so close to one another. And so they distance themselves from each other. But of course it was such a cold winter that many of them started to die and it became really clear that they couldn't be so distant and far from one another, that, that either there was, they were going to die or that they would have to deal with that discomfort of being needled by their companions quills.
[00:04:23] And so they decided to return to the huddle and they learn to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship. With their companions, their friends, their family, in order to benefit from the collective heat, they generated as a group and in this the way they were able to survive. So this is kind of what being in community feels like often.
[00:04:50] More often with our families, perhaps, maybe with our colleagues at work, then with our friends, right? Our friends are often chosen. However, it can also happen there in which this real human need, this real human fundamental need of being close and in community with each other often causes pain for us by those little pricks, those, those needles, those things that are.
[00:05:19] Mother says or a sibling says, or perhaps that thing that a colleague says a friend says or does to us wanting to be in community. And also knowing that being in community means sometimes being wounded and in discomfort because of what others do. And this happens so often during the holiday season.
[00:05:46] This is a time in which we spend more and more time with people that we haven't seen in a while, and especially right in this COVID world, in which yes COVID is still happening. And yet things are returning to how they used to. All right. So for some of us, it's like people we haven't seen in two plus years, or we had the luxury of saying, oh, you know, COVID, and now we're having to see them.
[00:06:14] And so how do we navigate this moment in time? How do we allow ourselves to respond to the triggers instead of reacting to the triggers? So let's first talk about the differences between responding and reacting. So first I want to talk about kind of the energetic difference between a response and a reaction.
[00:06:40] When we react to a stimulus to a trigger it's often very unconscious. It's like knee-jerk and automatic, right? It's like, we're not even thinking about what we're doing or saying, we just do that. Uh, response on the other side though, is a very conscious action. It is deliberate and it is intentional. And even if that intentionality is like two seconds of intention, there is a conscious moment where you really decide how you're going to respond to what just happened.
[00:07:17] What often happens when we are in a place of reactivity. Is that we're operating from a past wound. So even though you're in the present moment, you are taken back to a past pain and you are taking action right now from that version of yourself. You know, we've all had that moment where someone does or says something.
[00:07:40] And our reaction is just far more exaggerated than the actual thing that has happened. This is actually what's happening is that we are actually reacting, not from the present, even though we're in the present, we are reacting from a past pain or experience that we went through. Well, I call this the asshole time machine and I'm going to go deeper into what that looks like.
[00:08:05] But it's this time machine that kind of takes us back to the worst moments in our lives. The most embarrassing moments in our lives and in an instant, in a millisecond, we are back there. We are five years old. We're 10 years old and we're at school and we feel left out, right? We are not reacting from the person who is here today.
[00:08:25] Instead we are reacting. From that version of who we are, who we were. Whereas when we are responding, we're quite grounded and present. You're often conscious that this circumstance is triggering a past wound, but you're able to take action as your present self, right? As you would today, with the knowledge you have today, with the understanding you have today, the result of a reaction, oftentimes.
[00:08:56] His pain it's hurt. It's destructive sometimes towards others, sometimes towards ourselves. There's frustration and anger and overwhelm and sadness. But I think what's really important. We have to understand that when we are reacting, we're not actually able to voice what we need, what we like need deep down within.
[00:09:21] It's a very superficial thing that we're able to say or voice. And I'm not saying superficial as in, it's not important, but it's not the really deep, deep thing that we are desiring in that moment. And again, we'll get deeper into this. So when we are reacting, oftentimes the need that deep need is not being met and it's really just offering us temporary relief.
[00:09:46] Right. It makes us feel really good in that moment. We, you know, got angry or we did that thing or said that thing, and it feels really good in that moment, but you know, a minute later, an hour later, a day later we're feeling like we have a total hang over, right. Like a reaction hangover where we're just kind of like, why did I do that?
[00:10:04] What did I just do? Whereas when we are responding, we are grounded and we're really able to understand what we need in that moment. We're able to voice what is actually hurting us in what we actually need. So when we are responding, you know, oftentimes we actually can find a solution. Sometimes we can't.
[00:10:25] Sometimes we can find the thing that needs to be remedied and sometimes not, but there's always this deep connection with. And sometimes a deep connection with others will deepen that connection with others. And we gain a greater awareness and understanding of ourselves and the situation. So these for me are the biggest differences between reacting and responding.
[00:10:47] And as you're listening to this, I'm hoping you're kind of thinking of moments in your life where you can really see, oh, that was a reaction. And, oh, that was a response for me. The biggest thing is how it feels. Right that conscious and deliberateness of the response. And then the reaction, of course, being that knee jerk, automatic reaction.
[00:11:10] Right. And then of course, it's really being able to understand what you need, right. That your need is actually met when you respond. But when you react, it's like this moment of temporary relief. So I want to share a story with you, a personal story. In which I found myself having to choose between am I going to react or respond?
[00:11:33] And the story is going to show you kind of what we just talked about and also the tools and missteps I used to instead of react, respond. So this was a year or a year and a half into COVID and this was a time when I was not going to any beauty salons. I was not going for a pedicure it's it had been a while.
[00:11:57] Okay. And so my feet were, you know what, for lack of a better word, gnarly, they were, you know, I can say this. They did not look awesome. And, but at that point, like I just didn't care anymore. I was like, whatever, we're in the middle of a global meltdown, this, that my feet do not matter. And so my husband and I are on the couch and my husband loves to massage my feet.
[00:12:21] I know what was me. He's such a wonderful man. I love him. So he is massaging my feet. And then all of a sudden out of the blue, he says, Hey baby, do you want me to buy you a pedicure? I would love to gift you a pedicure. So here is this man, this man who I know loves me and adores me a man who literally just asked me like the most loving and generous question, massaging my feet at the time.
[00:12:46] Right. And he's saying, you know, do you want me to gift you a pedicure? And my response of course was not. Oh my gosh. Yes. I would love that. You're such an adoring wonderful husband. No, it was like anger like this visceral. Anger. Like how dare he say, my feet are ugly and no, you know what? He's not even saying, my feet are ugly.
[00:13:11] He's saying I am ugly. And there I was there. I was in this moment of wanting to react, wanting to just get up from the couch and yell at him. How dare he tell me, my feet are ugly. How dare he? And I paused. I paused in that. And I cued into what I was feeling, which was the anger, but what was really underneath that anger?
[00:13:40] What was I believing in that moment? I was believing that my husband was saying I was ugly and there I was in my asshole time machine. Back in elementary school, the chubby brown immigrant kid with the hair that couldn't be tamed the kid who wanted to be accepted, but looked so different that she felt like she never belonged right in there.
[00:14:05] I was back as that little girl, I wasn't even on my couch in that moment. That's where I wanted to react from. The anger was in response. To that sadness, that feeling of loneliness that I had felt for so long. And I took a pause and I took a moment and I sent compassion and love to that version of myself who believed she was ugly, who believed she didn't belong.
[00:14:39] And I came back to the present moment and I asked myself what is actually happening in this moment? And I remembered that I am safe and I'm loved. And I remembered that I have a partner who supports me and sees me and adores me. And I realized how grateful I am for this question. And I responded. Yeah.
[00:15:02] Um, I would love a pedicure. Let's do that. And all of that happened in the smallest moment of time, in the smallest fraction of time. So let's talk about what I did. How did I go from reacting to responding in that moment? So the first thing I did was I practiced the sacred pause. This is also known as the holy instant or just a pause, a break, Viktor Frankl.
[00:15:37] He has a very famous quote and it reads between stimulus and response. There is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response in our response lies our growth and freedom. So the sacred pause is that small moment of time that we take between a stimulus between a trigger and the action we take or don't take.
[00:16:05] Right? So that pause, which dictates either a reaction or a response. And so the first step is becoming aware that you're about to react, right? So I was like, oh, I'm feeling those feelings of reactivity, right? The knee jerk reaction, these feelings of being alone and feeling ugly. Right. So knowing that, okay, I need to take a pause.
[00:16:31] I pause in that moment and I allowed myself to locate the wound. What is this wound? That this moment is aggravating. So I found that wound for myself, which was me as a young girl. Now, listen, you may not be able to find the wound. It doesn't matter if you can't find the wound, find the feeling, find the feeling underneath the anger or the anxiety or the overwhelm what's underneath that.
[00:16:58] And if you can't find that that's all right to stick with the anger, stick with the overwhelm still like, okay, I'm really angry in this moment and send yourself compassion. Allow yourself to feel the feelings honor where you're at. So in that pause, we're just taking a moment to see what is actually happening for me right now.
[00:17:19] What is the wound? What are the feelings here? And then the second thing I did after I was able to find that is, what am I believing in this moment? Which to me was, I'm ugly. He's saying to me, I'm ugly. What am I believing in? Is that the truth? No. Because then the next question is what's actually happening in this moment, which is my husband is massaging my feet and asking me if I would like a pedicure.
[00:17:48] So this kind of takes us out of the trance of where we were and brings us back to the present moment. And then if you can right, ask yourself, what is the need here? What do I actually need underneath all of this? Every emotion. Is a need. Maybe it's a need to be understood to be safe, to be loved. And sometimes the other person can offer that to ourselves.
[00:18:13] Right. We can ask for that from that person. And sometimes we are the ones who are supposed to give ourselves that need. And in that moment I needed to feel loved. And I loved up on myself. My husband was already loving me in that moment. He didn't need to do more. I could asked for. But I knew that that wasn't what's happening here.
[00:18:33] I needed to accept and love myself. So I could locate that deeper need, finding that and seeing if you can ask for it or if you can give it to yourself and then finally asking yourself, who do I want to be? What do I want to do in this next moment? So I know that sounds like a lot of steps. But really it's about allowing yourself to feel the feeling, right.
[00:19:05] See where the wound is or the feeling is, and honor that and send it compassion. See what you're believing in the moment is that the truth, and then try to find the truth of the moment and then respond, respond with asking for something, respond with sending yourself. Love. That's all you have to do love it.
[00:19:27] That's a lot of steps. I still you're like Sharon, that's still like a billion steps, but practicing this allows it to happen in the most small of moments, an assignment that I give to clients often we're practicing learning. The sacred pause is take a past memory, take a past memory and pause it at the moment where you knew you reacted and go through these steps and see what comes.
[00:19:51] Being able to do this with a past memory allows us to then start engaging and practicing with it in the present moment or another great way of practicing. This is just becoming aware when you're about to react to respond, but there's a moment to pause. Oh, okay. I could pause here. You don't have to pause.
[00:20:09] You do not, but just allowing for that to happen. Okay. This is where I could pause. Okay. I can, I can see the pauses here now. How am I feeling? Take it step by step. And also know that, listen, I practice this stuff, but I don't do it all the time. Sometimes I'm like, you know what? I just want to yell. I don't have time for these steps.
[00:20:32] I don't want to do these steps. I'm just going to do this and knowing what the aftermath is going to be. Right. We are human. This is a practice. I want to point out that in this example, my husband was not trying to hurt. But you will have circumstances and people in your life where the other person actually is trying to hurt you.
[00:20:56] The sacred pause, these steps that we're going through, this is not a get out of jail free card, right. It doesn't mean that, oh, I'm just responsible for all of this and I'm supposed to just be responsible for how I respond and if they're trying to hurt me, that's fine. No. By going through these steps, you can figure out what you actually need and voice it to that person.
[00:21:20] Or you can figure out what you need and get out of that situation. Right? This is about you honoring yourself first and foremost. It's not about letting others get away with bullshit. I really want you to know that because that may happen during the holiday season. Unfortunately, some of us have people in our lives that do actually want to trigger us that do want to see us react.
[00:21:47] But regardless of whether they deserve our anger or not, we all know that when we react that hangover is on us, right. Just like a hangover after we drink a little too much, that feeling the next day is the worst. So this is about you honoring you love. So with the, what do I need, I need to get out of this situation, or I need to tell this person what you just said is not okay.
[00:22:15] It's not okay at all. And I am going to be removing myself from the situation, whatever your response is. Right. And sometimes what am I believing in this moment is I'm believing this. Person's trying to hurt me. And is that the truth? Yes, that is the truth what's actually happening in this moment is this person is trying to get me to react and is trying to hurt.
[00:22:36] So love, I want to use these steps in order for you to honor who you are and who you are becoming. This is, you know, like Michelle Obama, when they go low, we go high going high doesn't mean we can't call them out on their behavior, but it means that we do not use the same tactics. We do not use the same behavior or habits we respond.
[00:23:02] How we want to respond as our most grounded and aligned selves. Now, listen, what we're talking about today is a little more challenging at times to practice, but that's why I wanted to talk about it now, before the holidays get into full swing so that you can practice this, try those practices. I talked about earlier, think of a past experience and try out these steps.
[00:23:30] Or just in the present moment today. See if you can put a pause between something that kind of irks you and just notice that there is a moment to pause. See if you can extend the pause, see if you can just ask yourself, what am I believing here and what is actually happening? Those two questions can shift so much for you.
[00:23:52] And remember, this is a practice. You're not going to be able to do it all the time. You're not going to be able to practice it all the time. And that is all right. But I promise you just opening yourself up to one of the ideas here is going to shift so, so much for you love so love until next week. I will talk to you that.
[00:24:17] Thank you so much for joining me this week. If you liked this week's episode, please share it with a friend comment and rate this podcast until next week. See you later. Love.