Toxic Labels and the Truth of who you are | ep102
Why do we label others? Why do we label ourselves?
How do those labels, whether they’re positive or negative, affect the decisions that we make?
Throughout our lives, we find ourselves carrying certain labels whether they were given to us at home, at work, by friends, or even by ourselves. Growing up, I was the funny one. I was the one who made everyone laugh. I was the bubbly one! Now, these are all really “positive” labels, but in my family dynamic, I was also seen as the selfish one.
I loved to do what I wanted to do. I had so many different interests and passions and I did them ALL from basketball to choir to musical theater. So, my schedule was super full and I really focused on the things that truly brought me joy.
Now, this isn’t a slight on my family in any way, but in our dynamic, that was perceived as being kind of selfish. And so this label - SELFISH - is something that I have had to really work on throughout my life. In episode 101 | The 4 Pillars of Joy, I shared that I’ve been going through something really difficult lately. There’s something I need to make a decision on and, for some reason, it has just been so extremely difficult for me. In my heart, I know what I want to do. But I just cannot go with my gut. And then it hit me. That label: selfish.
Today’s Mindset Monday reads:
Only you know the truth of who you are.
Selfish. It’s a label that I have spent many years on a therapist couch talking about.
It’s something that I have had to really work on throughout my life and it’s a label that I think a lot of us can identify with: those of us who really just love to do what we love to do, those of us who have really clear boundaries, those of us who invest in the things that bring us passion, joy, happiness, and fulfillment. Are we really being selfish or are we just being misunderstood by our communities?
While some of our labels seem more positive than others, they are all insidious.
When we believe in our label, we end up deriving our value and worth on how they see us.
Our identity becomes intertwined with their perception of who we are.
But what happens when we no longer want to be or can be our label?
What happens when the funny one has no more jokes?
What happens when the shy one becomes assertive?
What happens when the smart one can’t seem to make the right decision?
For those of us who may have been given positive labels, the question becomes “Will they still want me around if I’m no longer funny/sweet/smart? Do I matter?”
And for those of us who may have been given negative labels, the question becomes, “Do they know me better than I know myself? Am I fooling myself?”
Labels trap us.
There is no label that will serve you, no matter how positive it may seem.
And there is no label that encompasses who you truly are, no matter how many people tell you that you are that thing. Our labels trick us into believing a false version of ourselves. A version that is one dimensional.
But we are 3-D, love.
So, how do we let go?
How do we break free from the labels?
It requires us to stop listening and instead, just being. It requires time, patience, and curiosity. It requires us to trust that we are both “good” and “bad”.
Because you see,
I am the selfish one, but I am also the caring one.
I am the funny one, but I’m also the boring one.
I am the strong one, but I’m also the weak one.
I am the loud one, but I am also the quiet one.
I can be all these things. I am all these things.
And so are you.
A quote to take with you:
“For those who have been given positive labels, the question becomes ‘Will they still want me around if I’m no longer funny? Sweet? Smart? Do I matter?’
And for those who have been given negative labels, the question becomes, ‘Do they know me better than I know myself? Am I fooling myself?’”
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About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to trust your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.
+ Read the episode transcript here
[00:00:00] Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. If you're looking for more purpose, more passion, more joy in your life, then you have come to the right place. I am your host, coach and life Alchemist, Shirin Eskandani. And I have worked with thousands of people showing them how to create their dream lives while also living their dream.
[00:00:27] This podcast is where mindset, mindfulness and manifestation meet together. We're going to release limiting beliefs, put your dreams into motion all the while. Prioritizing your knees, rest and joy. Let's do this love. Hi love. Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. This is where we take a deeper dive into my mindset Monday post, which you can read on Instagram at @wholeheartedcoaching.
[00:00:55] Or if you want to go even deeper into this week's episode and get my free weekly journal prompts, sign up for my email list and you'll be able to explore the topics we're talking about in this episode. Even further, you can do that in the show notes or by heading to my website. Wholehearted-coaching.com.
[00:01:16] And if you're interested in working with me, whether that's one on one, in one of my group programs or one of my transformational courses, you can head to my website, wholehearted-coaching.com/offerings to find out more. And of course you can also head to the show notes and all of this information, we'll be waiting for you.
[00:01:37] Before we dive into today's episode, I first want to send so much love and gratitude to you. The whole hearted community, we just passed 50,000 downloads of this podcast, which is amazing. And it's not just the number that's staggering to me. I mean, that is, but it is the emails and DMS and messages that you send me about this podcast.
[00:02:05] The reviews that you have left for this podcast that just overwhelmed me with so much gratitude and joy. Thank you for being part of this community. Thank you for being here. The last two episodes on love and enjoy seem to have resonated with a lot of you. And I'm just so incredibly grateful to each and every one of you for being here.
[00:02:30] So I just wanted to first say that because. This community is so incredible and I feel honored to be in your ears, in your headphones, in your homes, talking about what's closest to my heart. So thank you from my heart to yours. Today, we're going to be getting into something that I am grappling with. I'm thinking about last week, I mentioned that I'm kind of going through something, something pretty big and major for me, and I'm still going through it.
[00:03:02] And I want to be really honest with you always here on the podcast, because. Growth is not some linear thing, growth. Isn't some thing where there is this end goal and you get to it and you have all the tools and nothing ever happens and nothing ever throws you off. No, there are ups and downs, and I once heard growth as being described as being like a circle where you come back to the same things time.
[00:03:31] And again, And hopefully if you are on the path of growth, every time you come back to it, you now have different tools and ideas and concepts to work through that issue. And this issue I'm working with right now has brought up a lot of the stuff. And it's making me think a lot about that circle, right?
[00:03:50] Where you're like, oh, it's this thing that's coming up for me. So I have said this time, and again, on this podcast, I am in this with. So in today's episode, I'm going to be getting honest with you and vulnerable. I won't be going into deep details about what's happening, but I'm really going to be kind of opening my heart in this episode, because this is something that I had a big aha moment about last week.
[00:04:15] So today's episode is about labels, the labels that others place on us, and also the labels that we place on ourselves. And it's not just about, there are good labels or bad labels. It's about us really rethinking. Any label, any name that we give ourselves and how any label, whether it's positive or negative is always going to keep us trapped.
[00:04:41] So this podcast episode, isn't so much about how labels are bad. I mean, yes they are. And we'll get into that, but it's more about how labels influence the decisions we make, how we move in the world, how we think of ourselves. The idea is I'm going to talk about in today's podcast are ones that I am really thinking about deeply, and they've been helping me so, so much as I'm trying to make some big decisions in my life.
[00:05:09] And I hope they offer some help for you as well. Love. So today's mindset Monday reads only, you know, the truth of who you are. It's pretty short and simple this week, but we're going to get deep into this. So I'm going to be sharing with you again, a lot about my personal stuff. And as I share these personal anecdotes and stories, I want you to think of how this relates to you, what comes up for you?
[00:05:38] So when I was young in our family dynamic, I had many labels placed on me. I was the funny one. Um, you know, I, I hope you can understand who am. I was the funny one. Oh gosh. Don't you hate it when someone says you're funny, and then you try to be funny and then it's the least funniest thing you've ever done in your life.
[00:05:58] That's that just felt like, but yes, I was the funny one. I was the bubbly one. I was the outgoing one, right? These are all really quote unquote positive labels. But in my family, I was also labeled as the selfish one. Now would they say that to me straight to my face? No, but it will come up. That word would come up often in conversation about me or it will come up sometimes when things would happen, would there be arguments or disagreements, this word selfish.
[00:06:30] In my family dynamic. I love to do what I wanted to do. I had all of these different interests and passions, and I did them all. Like I was on the basketball team. I was in choir. I was in musical theater. So my schedule was super full and I focused on the things that really brought me joy and, you know, for whatever reason, right?
[00:06:52] We all have different family dynamics. And this isn't a slight on my family. That was perceived as being kind of selfish. And so this word selfish is something that I have had to really work on throughout my life. And it's one that I think a lot of us can identify with those of us who really just love to do what we love to do and being misunderstood and our communities for those of us who have really clear boundaries and are again misunderstood by our communities, for those of us who invest in the things that bring us passion and joy and happiness and fulfillment, really being misunderstood by our communities.
[00:07:37] So for me, selfish as a word that I have spent many years on a therapist's couch talking about, am I selfish? Or was I just a kid who really love to do these things? And then beyond that now, isn't it. Am I being selfish or am I just being a wife or a partner or a business owner or a human being who is boundaried and who has really clear passions and interests and loves in her life.
[00:08:10] This word selfish for me has been like an albatross, something that I have been carrying with me, and I've done a lot of work around it where I've really been able to be like, no, this isn't selfish and listen, if this is what you are labeling as being selfish, I'm going to. 'cause if being selfish means being a boundary to human, who invests in prioritizes, in their joy and in their passions.
[00:08:34] Okay. Cool. Call me selfish. But I have done so much work around this word. Flash forward to today. Right now I am grappling with something and decision that I want to make a decision that is important to me, and I'm really struggling with it. And I've been struggling with it because of course, everything is nuanced.
[00:09:00] Nothing is one dimensional, but I've been struggling with it. And I, and I can't make a decision as to what I should do. And last week I was just thinking about, well, why is this so difficult for me to make a decision? Like, why can't I just go with my gut, go with what feels right? Because y'all in my heart.
[00:09:19] I know what I want to do, but there's something blocking me from listening to my heart. And all of a sudden I realized selfish that word, that late. That is what is keeping me from making this decision. I am so damn afraid of being labeled selfish again, and this was a huge aha moment for me because when I can not tap into.
[00:09:51] You know, my intuition when I can't make a decision, whenever we are indecisive, we know what we want to do, but there is a voice. There is a belief. There is a thought that is keeping us from actually proclaiming, claiming what we actually want to do. And in this situation, it was the sports selfish. And of course, if selfish it's like, what are they going to think of me the judgment, but really it's that word selfish for me.
[00:10:22] And so I had to sit down and really look at it. Is this me being selfish or is this something that I truly want to do and means the world to me? So as I share this story with you, I want to talk to you about these labels, the labels that are placed. And I want to talk to us about the fact that there are no good labels that are ever placed on us growing up.
[00:10:50] We're all given these labels, these names, these identities that are placed on us by others, by our family society, school community, wherever you go, write labels, like the smart one, the lazy one, the chubby one, the crybaby, the sensitive one, the Ray of sunshine. And while some of these labels seem more positive than others.
[00:11:13] The truth is they are all harmful because the more we hear these labels, these names, we start to believe them. They start to become a part of who we are and how we see ourselves. And if we're not careful, we can spend a lifetime trying to prove these labels wrong or prove them. Right. So in this situation with my decision, I could see that I wanted to prove them wrong.
[00:11:44] I'm not selfish. I'm a really thoughtful person. I'm a good person. I care about other people. I want you to think of this love. I want you to think of the labels that were placed on you. When you are the Ray of sunshine or the bubbly one, or the happy one, then you are spending your lifetime trying to prove them, right.
[00:12:06] Trying to make them happy, trying to make them feel good when you are labeled as something like the sensitive one or the lazy one, or the indecisive one, you try to spend your lifetime trying to prove them wrong. If you ever take some time off, or if you ever want to pause or change or shift something big in your life, right?
[00:12:28] You don't want them to say, oh, well of course they're doing that. It's because they're the indecisive one. So when it comes to these titles, these labels, they hold us back, no matter how positive they may seem or how negative they are. And when it comes down to it, these titles, these labels, these identities.
[00:12:50] They're all projections. They're completely subjective to the person, placing them on us. It's their perception of who we are and how we act simply put they're someone's subjective perception of who you are, not who you actually are. So in my family, right? The way I carried myself with those boundaries, with those interests.
[00:13:15] That was a projection. That was their perception. Oh, wow. Okay. That's selfish. That was their interpretation of who I was. But the unfortunate thing is, is that the more we hear these labels, the more we start to identify with them and they really start to define who we are. We start to believe our title.
[00:13:36] And these labels place a cap on how big we can dream, how much we can succeed, how healthy our relationships are and what we think of ourselves. I want you to really think of that label that was placed on you and think of how it affects the ways you move in the world, the decisions you make, how you think of yourself, because what happens when we no longer want to be or can live up to our lives.
[00:14:06] What happens when the funny one has no more jokes? What happens when the shy one becomes assertive? What happens when the smart one can't seem to make the quote unquote right decision for those of us who may have been given positive labels, the question becomes will they still want me around if I'm no longer funny, sweet, smart.
[00:14:28] Do I matter? And for those of us who may have been given those negative labels, the question becomes, do they know me better than I know myself? Am I fooling myself and listen, these labels don't just apply to them. It applies to the labels. We give ourselves the labels we buy into love our labels, trap us.
[00:14:51] There is no label that will serve you no matter how positive it may sound. And there is no label that encompasses who you truly are. No matter how many people tell you that you are, that thing, or no matter how many times you tell yourself you are that thing. Our labels trick us into believing a false version of ourselves, a version that's one dimensional, but your 3d LA.
[00:15:18] As Audrey Lord puts it. If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive. So love the practice becomes of becoming aware. First of what are these labels? The labels that I heard, the labels that I grew up with, the labels that I have now really claimed for myself.
[00:15:42] And how do they serve me when I believe this to be true about myself, who do I become? What do I do when I believe it's true that I'm selfish. I become indecisive. I make decisions for everybody else. I no longer follow my heart. Right? So answering those things for yourself gives you such clarity. And the work really is about claiming the truth of who you are.
[00:16:11] And only you and you alone will know what that is. Love. Joseph Campbell says the privilege of a lifetime is being who you are so love this week. I want you to start becoming aware of when these labels pop up, when you hear them, when you say them to yourself, and I want you to ask yourself if I was to believe this, what would I do?
[00:16:41] What kind of effect would it have on me? And then I want you to tap in what is the truth of who I am? Is it true that I am selfish? Is it true that I always have to be the happy-go-lucky one? Is it true that I'm the hard worker? Is it true that I'm the lazy one? What is the truth of who I am? Because love.
[00:17:11] When you can get into the truth, that's when you start making decisions that are right for you and love this life, your building. It's your masterpiece. It's not some commission for another person. No, this is your damn masterpiece. So take that canvas, throw whatever paint you want on it. Without abandoned.
[00:17:39] And y'all, I'm telling you this and I'm feeling it as I'm saying it. And I'm telling you, putting it into practice is the work cause I'm in this with you. But I have to tell you, just being able to identify this word selfish for myself, and then really being able to release it in this moment, becoming aware of how it affects me.
[00:18:02] Right. If I'm not able to release it, that's okay. But when we can become aware of what a belief or a thought or a label does to us in our decision making and the way we move in the world, that's when we're like, wait a second. That's not how I want to be. I want to be making whole hearted decisions. So love.
[00:18:22] Remember I am in this with you. So as we end the podcast, we're going to be ending it as we always do. I want you to think of one thing that's really resonating with you from today's podcast, a thought, an aha and insight, and we're going to take a deep breath in and out, and we're going to hold it at the top.
[00:18:44] And I just want you to reflect on that thing. So breathing in pause and breathing out
[00:18:58] until next week. I'll talk to you then. Thank you so much for joining me this week. If you liked this episode, please share it with a friend subscribe or follow where you love listening most. And if you haven't yet leave a review, you can do this on apple podcasts, task box, pod, chaser, or podcast addict until next week, love.